Thinky type thoughts
I am coming home the long way-- Grenada to San Juan to Newark to Philadelphia to San Jose (and the Bay area from May 22 through the 27th) then back to NM where I have this funny thing called a summer job.
So Steve, wise man that he is, sent me a lovely postal type card from Boston, not from Harvard but from Fenway park.
And so I just was you know, looking at things online and I noticed that the Giants are in town the week I will be in the Bay area.
Hummmmmmmmm
I wonder what I can do whilst in the bay area that wek?
The best Part
The best part of the day yesterday was actually a small group from the dreaded clinical skills department. Clinical skills so far has been poorly organized and not that dynamic in content in terms of these lectures. But the best part is these small groups where you have the opportunity to work with local physicians on selected topics. Yesterday we had simulated patients from whom we took histories. I felt great after the group.. it was the type of interaction I had less and less as I moved up in academic administration.. the type of interaction I was looking for professionally when I decided to go to medical school. And I am good at it, and the rest of my group commented on it.
The rest of the day I found myself feeling pissed off about a lot of small things. I put my headphones on and walked up Grand Anse beach
and out to Cortington point.
I grow tired of my fellow students who want always lead with their dissatisfactions, yet not to acknowledge my own frustrations seem to make them grow. Mostly, I feel a bit strange for being a bit of a lone wolf here, I have made many friends but not that one go to person or circle of people who I completely relax around. Yet it is almost impossible to walk Grande Anse beach and not feel privileged to be here. There is a balance somewhere I think.
When out with Robert and Deanna on Friday, I commented about a premed prof who tried to talk me out of my decision to go to medical school.. or talk me into another path (why do so many people believed me to be destined for administration, do I have it tattooed on my forehead?) Robert talked about a scene in Jane Eyre where Rochester was looking at some paintings that Jane had produced that were of ships tossed by storms and wrecked on the rocks. Rochester asked Jane if she was happy when she painted them. Jane replied that she wasn’t precisely happy but that they had given her the greatest satisfaction she had known because she was so absorbed in the process when she painted them.
Robert went on to relate that story to one he read in the New Yorker about how most folks have happiness set points that are difficult to change. The one way to change that set point is to do something that captures you, that you become completely involved in. And that is what I have attempted to do for lack of a better explanation, change my happiness set point by becoming a physician. And when I loose myself in my studies I am more satisfied than I have been in a long long while.
As I observe myself thinking that I wish people wouldn’t be so negative I know I am really dissatisfied with my own periods of negativity. Even as I realize that I am more satisfied with my life here than I was back in Albuquerque, I feel like I am in a bit of a holding pattern emotionally. I have taken the steps to create a happier and healthier me, both for my own internal satisfaction and also with the hope that I would make new friends and perhaps (Gasp!) a boyfriend who would get where I am and who I would find equally compelling. But there is no guarantee that I will meet those folks who will mean as much to me as old friends and so my time here may continue to be a little bit lonely. So it is the bittersweet part of doing what is exactly right for me at this moment in time.
A few more things
The other things I miss from home: My DVD collection-- but not the TV I like since Steven and Kelly consented to be my TV pimps and keep me in Veronica Mars whilst in Grenada.
Sometimes I wonder how I got a top flight, soon to be partner Washington professional futurist consultant to record my TV for me and then I think I should just say
THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU over and over.
What I will miss about Grenada (besides the obvious)
I have French (shelf stable) milk in my fridge, and French butter. As in from France French. I am sorry folks it just tastes better than the stuff we produce in the states. And the French make coconut yogurt too....
Status Quo
The photo is of the balcony at the student center... I study there when it is not toooo noisy/crowded/hot. The photos doesn't seem to be loading very fast but if I can I'll also post the picture of the SGU kitty who makes her living begging for scraps on the porch, she is very pretty and I hear the vet school has a spay capture and release program for the onb campus kitties. So finals are far enough away for the stress level to be relatively non existant. We are getting into the much dreaded head and neck in anatomy, but so far it looks to be more interesting than scary. The visiting anatomy lecuturer de jour (we have 7 regular anatomy faculty and one or two visiting anatomy profs at a time) gave an really interesting lecture on art and anatomy. It seems like Michael Angelo used male models and just plop plop stuck some breasties on. Oh well, I guess it pretty well known that he prefered the male form anyway and his male forms are spot on.
I have started the house hunt, and although it will be nice to get into an apartment for about the same amount I am paying for a dorm, I will definitely miss the beach. My dear new friends Drs. Deanna Martin and Robert Blanc took me out to the university club to have a stunningly good meal on friday. Students aren't allowed to go unless accompanied by a faculty member or other high mucky muck so I feel very privledged. And the conversation was great too... They have wonderful stories about a lifetime spent in accademic support, Supplemental Instruction, and the good, bad old days at SGU-- Including stories about the intervention which should be its own post.
Post cards keep coming and I must say I love it! They really help on those days when I have to explain the I am a buddhist or reference one of my former professions. My major (Only? one of the few?) dissatisfaction about being here continues to be that I miss you guys, my old friends and family that know me best.
Deanna & Me
This is a very nice photo of Dr. Deanna Martin and myself on the balcony of the SGU student center. Deanna is the person who developed Supplemental Instruction a few years ago at UMKC. Si was the program I began at SFCC. I met Deanna at a conference a couple of years ago at an International SI conference in Boston and she is the person who recomended that I check out SGU. I saw her the other day in the supermarket-- her husband is on the academic board here and they are both helping out in the learning center here which is a little short staffed-- and thanked her for her recomendation. She subsequently hired me to help her learn how to use her new apple laptop (she is a very quick study) and we have bonded over our mutual left leaning politics, love for the daily show and requirement for high thread count 100% cotton sheets.
Birds
Okay who can ID this Guy? Sorry the photo is a bit blurry. You can't tell very well, but he actually has a very long neck and very long legs and likes to hang out with cattle. Also who was the biggish (2 to 3 foot tall) bird that I saw that had a similar body type to this bird but was blue grey with a black mask? Any of you birdhounds know?
So this is normal now
Molly & me in the Anatomy lab-- each body we look at an incredible gift of knowledge.
Living in Grenada.
The Beach, looking out at Saint George's Harbor.
Being a med student.
In some ways my life is remarkably like the one I had at home. I still wake up have a cup of green tea. I listen to the hourly news recap podcast from NPR—in this case yesterday’s news. I eat my oatmeal I read the NY times headlines. Other things are different. I am very cognizant how much easier it is to have only a room to take care of and not an entire house. SGU even hires a cleaning staff that comes in and cleans twice a week so that the only chore I need to do is laundry. I did buy some speakers when I got here so my computer is an all purpose TV, DVD player stereo and at times, thanks to voice over internet protocol and skype, a telephone. Apple should hire me to do a promo I am so happy with my little 1000 $ ibook. It kind of got me out the door and on the road to being here actually, when I would get overwhelmed at the thought of selling all my stuff, I just kept on thinking.. me, my dog and my ibook.. that’s all I need. And well Shade is coming ... and couldn’t be happier living with Janie by the way.
I don’t mind the meager furnishings, and the room is much brighter now that I have hung up the flood of postcards I received and found a way to hang the Frieda Kahlo cloth art thingy that Michael and Garnet got for me in Mexico. I don’t really miss much.. but there are things I am really glad I have—The pentel frost twist mechanical pencils I brought with me, the 300 thread count 100% cotton sheets, the Sarasa gel pens I had Mom send and the postit notes she sent on her own. I bought an extra pillow when I got here because god knows I need three on my single bed. I will fill a suitcase next time with organic peanut butter from trader joes. A fellow student sold me a good egg pan. I wish I had more dishcloths, which means I need to walk across the street and buy some. That’s it.
I am not, happily, burdened with regret for the lifestyle I left behind. I don’t think about my former life with longing or the advantages of my former career. I do not wonder why I am doing this to myself at this age because--- it is what I want to do. I do miss old friends. I am not as lonely as I was. I am developing quite a large circle of friends and acquaintances. Just taking my laundry down this AM I said hi to three or four nodding acquaintances. On Sunday I had brunch with one set of friends and hung out and studied at the covered tables on the beach and had dinner with another set of friends. What I
don’t have is friends who finish my sentences for me, who can tell my stories as well as I can as I can theirs. That I miss. But I am making friends that I will have for a long time I think. We will have this incredible and intense experience we shared that other people won’t understand or get fully. I am trying to remember that as I go through the moments on this day. Even the newness and strangeness I will look back on fondly some day so why not look on it fondly now?
I try and try to love that effort as well.
SANDBLAST
So this is sand blast. Tons of SGU students of all ilks (undergrad, MPH, Vet, Med) drinking and hanging out on the beach and trying to forget that finals are just 7 weeks away. It was fun to just hang out for the afternoon on the beach. Ironically I finally got back into the swing of things today after a post midterm malaise.
You would think I would find the male reproductive system more interesting.. but it is just another thing I have to memorize when the parts aren't attached to someone I want to know better.
Sandblast pic are now loaded. It just doesn't convey the scope of the beach wide party, but it is a start....
So all the results are in. My 91% on my anatomy written exam and my 80% on the lab portion earn me a high B in that class. My 83% in embryo means I hold on to my A in that class. So I am for the most part a straight B student.
I am burnt out and feeling a little post midterm mailaise. There is also a rumor that they will be closing the Grande Anse campus next semester, which makes me sad. I visited with my friends Ben & Jerry this afternoon, but even good icecream didn't snap me out of it.
There are lots of parties this weekend.. The bigest one being the main Saint George post midterm fest.. SandBlast. I'll try and take pictures so you all can get the wrong idea about what it is like to be in med school here.
:-)
Sa
So midterms are over and my eyes opened at 5 am.
Results are a high B in biochem and a middling B in Histology. Anatomy and embryo grades are yet to be posted
These are, as most of you know, not the type of grades I am used to (As are what I am used to) but I am trying not to be an idiot about it.
It has been a very interesting 10 days.
To all the New Mexico Folks who have asked me to send them some moisture
How am I doin?:-)
I want to play
My brain is in full rebellion mode. MUST STUDY EMBRYO!
By the numbers
Two exams down, two to go. So far I am keeping anxiety at bay.. which is good. There are a lot of folks in melt down mode here. And some folks who are not. Note to self. Do not compare your self to folks with photographic memories. Very demoralizing
And I got FIVE postcards today in the mail. Thank you michael, colleen, colleen, lilia, and raebob--
And thinks to Sylvia and Alicia for the cards earlier this week...
You all ROCK
and no, the Box 1013 is not a shout out to the x files-- just the box # they assigned me.
On to embryology.
My Policy
So there is a tremendous amount of free floating stress around here right now. So I am pretending that I am acing all my exams. No negative talk AND NO CHECKING MY EXAM GRADES UNTIL MIDTERMS ARE OVER. So far my stress level is manageable. So you don't have to ask-- all my exams will go great.. at least until this exam cycle is over and I check my grades and tell you otherwise.
:-)
Sa
4 hours till my first midterm-- Biochem
And I have developed a very dysfunctional relationship with my postit notes. Photos to follow.
Started worrying about age descrimination in residency postings last night, otherwise all is well.
Ready Steady Go!
Biochemistry for Dummies
So there are just protons.. everywhere… just protons which are of course hydrogen ions and then there are the proteoglycans that are NOT and I mean NOT to be confused with the glycoproteins. And of course NADPH and NADH are not to be confused because they are oxidized.. why would you even think they are reduced—can’t you see the hydrogens which means the electrons came with them.. and no it is not inconvenient to associate hydrogen with protons now. And protein kinase A is not to be confused with pyruvate dehydogenase kinase which is active in the mitochondrion not the cytosol, silly, and also not to be confused with Phosphorylace Kinase.
Oh and remember abreviations may be used in class such as PFK-1 for phosphofructokinase 1 but you will always be expected to know the longer name.
Is everyone clear now.. Good I am glad we have this little talk
The new men in my life
First of all I am sleeping with Frank. He is a great artist, devoted to his wife, and um--- I think he is dead. He painted all the plates in my Anatomy Atlas and compiled the book and it is phenomenal. Frank Netter is his name. To Netterize something here is a verb, it means to disect something well. I fall asleep with my Netter on my chest almost every night. I have told all my new friends here that he is my new boyfriend. Now I am telling you.
Then there is Isaac, who is very tall, missing a few teeth, blind and very kind. He just attempted to knead the knots out of my shoulders in 15 minutes and he nearly succeeded. He called me Sister Sarah and recommended that I come and see him during one of his regular massage appointment. Saint George’s runs a program that allows the visually impaired to work as massage therapists. They give 15 minute massages for about $6 on the porch at the student center. Student government was paying them to work on students for free tonight. Not a bad way to kick off midterms.
Settling in for midterms
Student government has arranged for free neck and shoulder massages so life isn't too rough yet. Biochem is monday, histo wednesday, embryology on friday and anatomy a week from monday.
Yeah for Mom whose peanutbutter and postit laden care package arrived today. AND YEAH for steven and kelly who record Veronica mars for me and ship me the DVDs. Yeah for sylvia who sent me a beautiful postcard of California poppies that arrived today.
I'll post as I am able.
:-)
Sa
